Well, this is rather strange for me. I’ve never been a blogger, in any way shape or form. But recently I’ve felt that I need an outlet – somewhere that no one I know can read, but that someone, maybe just one person, may read my words. I was blogging semi-regularly when I was in South America. I went for 2 and a half months (an intended 3 month trip that I cut short) and I wanted to keep people back home up to date without sending a million emails. So to prevent future backtracking, here is the link to see where I was at just a few months ago (I came home 3 months ago now, and have not written anything since):
Alright. So we can continue from there. The past few months have been an absolute whirlwind. Perhaps I will update you on the events in the future, but for now, I’d like to start with the present.
I suppose a little background about me would help. How to sum myself up? Well, I’m a Philosophy major who is a mere month in to her second year of school. I love Philosophy. I’m crazy, but I’m sincere and honest. I think I’m crazy in the loveable way, but I’m also crazy in the full blown needs help sort of way.
So that’s where I’ve been lately. Full blown needing help. I’ve been taking 3 philosophy courses plus a course in Mandarin. I have been taking a full course load – which I did with ease last year. Well, with ease may be a bit of an exaggeration. My first semester I took one class over a full course load, and I was fine. I was at the end of a longterm (a year and a half, ok, not THAT longterm, but considerable to say the least) relationship, and things were pretty damn rocky. But it was ok. We broke up on new year’s eve. So my second semester was a mess. I got my straight A’s by way of a lot of marijuana, and a lot of valium.
However, after my trip to Peru, I learned so much (as I did on my first trip to Peru, 2 and a half years previous) that I thought things would be different.
They were worse.
I got a doctor to prescribe me ritalin a week ago – though I’ve never thought I had ADD, and likely don’t (to be determined, stay tuned, but a doubtful outcome). Anyways, I’d been trying to focus using the ritalin. It worked a couple of days, but past that it just caused my anxiety to flare up even more.
Did I mention I have anxiety? I had a major flare up a year and a half ago after I took some quit-smoking meds. I couldn’t leave the house. I couldn’t talk to close friends. I couldn’t do anything. It was the most bottom of rock bottom I have ever experienced. It was scary as hell. I’m normally an incredibly outgoing person who will strike up a conversation with any stranger.
Now as a side note, I’ll mention the following: I have a strong history of severe depression in my immediate family. It seems I’ve never suffered in the way they have. While theirs is constant, mine is on and off. I certainly go through phases of clinical depression. But it’s not always. I have suspected for some time now that I am bipolar. I suppose the upcoming psychiatry appointment – the first of my life – will help to determine that (well, I suppose this is hoping I land a decent psychiatrist… results to come.)
So things in the past few weeks haven’t been great. Alright, I’m going to attempt to sum up the past 3 months of my life, the gap between my travel blog and this blog, as briefly as I can:
I realised I was in love with the guy who was suppose to be my rebound and is Australian, currently living in Australia, a million miles from me.
I started screwing around with every guy I found attractive that would have me. I fell for every one.
I gave up on men, feeling so down about the situation. I felt I needed someone to love me, though just a few months back a relationship was exactly what I did NOT want.
Then I realised I was more despondent not having these man adventures than having them. See, if I crushed, and I hooked up with guys, I had the ups and the downs. But if I didn’t try with any men, I only felt the constant down. Ya, you see why I think I may well be bipolar?
Anyways, so here I am.
The past few weeks have been more than difficult. So today I listened to my gut. I haven’t been able to since I returned from Peru, not really. And that was the number one thing I learned in Peru. Your gut man! Your gut knows! Your gut tells you! But listening to it.. that’s an entirely different story.
I realised that a full course load, even a course over that, is do-able for me. I am a strong person. But in my current state, I am on the road to a very dark place, a place that I have experienced fortunately only a few times, but I have experienced nonetheless. And I need some time to examine myself. To figure out what I need out of life.
So now I only have 3 classes. I feel relieved. I feel this load of stress off my shoulder…
…but then I have to wonder – all of this extra time… some of it will be for studying, certainly, but not all of it. A lot of it… a lot is for finding myself. For finding what makes me happy in everyday, normal life. To see what it is that I truly want, what I strive for… all these insane questions, that are so difficult to answer.
Is it a load off? I think it is. I think, with all my heart, that this.. this self discovery, this TIME for self discovery while still being immersed in school, is important.
But I have no idea what’s to come. Never in my life since I’ve reached legal age, have I had the opportunity to only have limited hours of study/work (and I don’t work, so work is not included currently) while still earning enough to live. I can thank my grandfather for him paying for my Uni and beyond. But really. Never have I had to worry about these things so little.
What is to come? It’s this great big question. So I share with you, dear readers, even if you be but one. Even if that one is me.
I write this to release myself. And I write this in the hopes that someone else, someone like me – someone who can’t vocalize, or doesn’t want to vocalize their feelings to others – reads this. To those who feel that they have an assortment of mental illnesses, yet none are severe enough for anyone who hasn’t experienced these feelings to understand. I hope you read. I hope you hear my words, and I hope you think to yourself… I’m not alone. We are not alone. We are strong, even if our strength seems millions of miles away right now.